I found a stack of writing. This is from the high school creative writing class that I thought was stupid at the time. It’s strange to read it now after I had such an intense dealing with fear and anxiety my freshman year of college. I guess I didn’t realize how much I was writing about myself.

I have a lot of fear — all different types of it. Sometimes I get that paralyzing kind which takes over my body to the point at which I become exhausted from the feeling. Most of the time I walk around with a glaze of anxiety all over my insides. I’m really carrying it around with me unceasingly. I think of it as a part of me. There is fear in my blood cells and on the inside of my hands. Fear goes before my feet and trails off the tips of my hairs.

I think pretty much everybody has fear like that. I’ve never met anyone that I’ve thought had it all together. I’m different, though. I’m not afraid of my fear, and I think most people are. When they figure out that things may not go perfectly, I watch a lot of people not only get upset about the fact that the possibility of “bad” is looming overhead — but also about the fact that they are not completely brave and stoic. That’s an expectation that I just don’t even consider.

My sister has a lot of fear, too. It’s a part of her, but she shoves it down into the ends of her toes. Whenever it starts creeping up, she really freaks out and cries a lot more often. She stops wearing make-up and she snaps at my dad when he makes corny jokes. Usually she’ll at least try to laugh. She is so afraid of her fear and the possibility that it may overtake her.

I want to tell my sister that it is okay to be afraid of dark, curvy streets that wind through the hills, even if they’re in our safe neighborhood. I want to hold her hand when she is shaking beneath her dress slacks and stepping quietly through the doorway of her first real job interview. I’d like to tattoo on her forehead “the Future really is terrifying” backwards — so she can see it in the mirror when she is trying to cover her fear with liquid foundation.

She cries too much for that, though, and I love her too much.